Fears of IVF Land

I was asked does the Surrogate help relieve some of the fears that Intended Parents have during the process. Here is a list of fears that I have about going through IVF and Surrogacy that having nothing to do with who is the Surrogate.

Financial - Stands alone on the list - it is actually a part of almost every question.

Will it be successful?
IVF cost.
Time - Our eggs are in worse shape every month.
Time - How will all of the Doctor Appointments effect work?

Cost of optional procedures like ICSI or PGD. Are they a good buy?
Do they help our hurt? What about survival of the fittest?
How many embryos to transfer Fresh?
How many embryos to transfer frozen?
Selective Reduction?
Advantage/Disadvantage of Raising Twins and Twin Pregnancies? How about Triplets?
How do you feel about Embryo Donation or Stem Cell Research?

Did you get a negative beta?
Are you back to the starting line?
Are you down 15-20k or more?

Did the HPT come in positive?
What did the Beta say?
Did the Beta Double?
Did the Beta Double Again?
One or two? OR three and Four?

Is there a heart beat?
What is the heart rate?
Is the baby growing at the right rate?
How are the measurements?

How do you deal with all of these?
How do you feel about amniocentesis?
How do you feel about Congenital anomalies?
How do you feel about pregnancy complications?


Are you prepared to face:
Miscarriages
Low birth weight
Premature Births
Stillbirth
Death shortly after birth
NICU stays

Last on my list is - Do Friends/Family Approve?

And then finish with the Psychological and Emotional Cost of Infertility. With loads of isolation.

Comments

Cyn said…
Ok, ok, I see what you're saying. But I would still like to think that I as a surro have the ability to 'help' make it an easier ride, with perhaps a little less turbulence. Perhaps I can just be the drink or two that helps you to numb the fear. I'm still happy to see that you're willing to get on the plane despite the amount of fear you have.
August 15, 2008 at 11:48 PM
JW Moxie said…
I think that after you've been through hell and back with infertility, the only thing that can truly ease the fear is a live baby in arms. The surrogate helps make a way for that to happen, but I think in a lot of ways, a pregnancy quells a few fears, but then ramps other fears up even more. There's more to lose once pregnancy happens, so there's more to fear. I think that with the right IP/GS relationship, surrogates can be someone understanding to abide with the IPs through their fears. I think it helps emotionally to have the support, but might not diminish the fears.

I'm speaking as a GS who came through her own infertility. I think if I was an IP, that's how I would feel. As a GS, I don't go into surrogacy thinking I can make my IPs any less afraid. I go into it thinking that I will stand by them and be a source of support through their fears.
August 16, 2008 at 6:35 AM
Anonymous said…
I can't imagine having a surrogate making the process less fearful, I imagine it making it worse. When a person turns to surrogacy they do so knowing that they will have to give up control over providing the best possible environment for their baby/babies. They have to trust that this woman who is no the children's mother will do everything in her power to help and not hurt the pregnancy. Unfortunately there are surrogates who should not be entrusted with that. If I were an IP I can't imagine NOT being absolutely terrified.
August 16, 2008 at 1:39 PM
IVF Land on Surrogacy World said…
Surrogate,

I think there are fears based on the IVF process and the science that are just unavoidable. You can isolate them and they wouldn't change if the IVF was done on the IM or a surrogate.

The part the Surrogate plays will be a whole new post.
August 16, 2008 at 8:34 PM
IVF Land on Surrogacy World said…
Kymberli,

Yes, a baby makes all of the fears melt away.

You have one set of fears going into IVF and then a second set of fears going into the pregnancy. And probably, a third set of fears going into the birth.

The fears are not relationship based, but develop from how IVF technology effects a pregnancy.

Now the wrong relationship with your surrogate can produce storms and take these fears and add nightmares and panic attacks on top of them.

The right relationship wit the surrogate can help keep you calm through some of the storms. It helps to have blue skies overhead while you are facing your fears.
August 16, 2008 at 8:44 PM
IVF Land on Surrogacy World said…
Cyn,

The right surrogate can make a huge difference in the experience of the Intended Parents.

You know how some people are just sunny and happy all of the time and the are easy and fun to be around? And other people are grumpy or mean and being near them brings you down.

As a basketball coach I won more games by changing my kids heart beats and breathing patterns then I ever did with X's and O's.

It really comes down to this:

Emotions are contagious. What are you spreading around?
August 16, 2008 at 8:52 PM
Anonymous said…
Emotions are contagious. What are you spreading around?

I like that, Jon. I think that the surro's attitude can make some difference, but really, the IP's have so much to think about and worry about. I do not envy the position of the IP's. I have always said the surrogate has the easy end of the deal.
August 18, 2008 at 9:52 AM
IVF Land on Surrogacy World said…
Jenn,

I have no idea how easy or hard it is to be pregnant and give birth. It seems like many women actually enjoy being pregnant so for them it would be easy.

Now, I can tell you want I think about the IVF part of the process. The surrogate has to take shots everyday. While I have the tough task of visiting the jungle room a few times.

If we had to switch roles I would not be having a child.
August 18, 2008 at 10:47 AM
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