Need vs. Want - When The Surrogate Wins - She Loses......

From an IP's perspective once the Surrogate is pregnant and 100% by heart beat the Surrogate holds all of the cards.

Their many objective is - how do I keep her happy.

How do I make things easier for her?

Can I carry her around like Cleopatra while the peons peel her grapes.

And then the first questionable test comes back.

It's going to happen. It happens to everyone at some point.

The Doctor wants "further testing."

It could be something big. It could be something small. It doesn't matter.

The IP's just heard - "your baby is in jeopardy"! Get prepared mentally "YOUR baby might not make it"!

This is the GREAT MENTAL DIVIDE between IP's and Surrogates.

The Surrogate hears "let's do another test". It's "not a big deal". "Everything is fine".

IP's and Surrogates do not speak the same language. The often don't understand each other.

And here is why:

A Surrogate is a Surrogate because of two main factors:
1) She is fertile
2) Pregnancy is easy for her.

Usually, she has had multiple pregnancies without complications.

An Intended Parent becomes one because:
1) They are infertile
2) They usually have a long list of failed pregnancy attempts.
3) A history of one or more Miscarriages.

They come to the party with a history of failure, struggles, and loss.

The two people are trying to share an experience while standing on different mountains and facing away from each other.

When one side has only had success and the other has only known failure - how can they get along during the tough times?

Good communication is a must - and yet very rare in Surrogacy World.

Often. Miss Successful Surrogate thinks. I know best. The IP's are over reacting. And I am going to do things "MY WAY".

This has worked for me in the past. I never had any issues. I have X number of healthy kids. I know what I am doing.

The Unsuccessful Intended Parent hears "Hey You - Sit down, Shut up, and hold on!" "I am the boss of you!"

The Unsuccessful Intended Parent is armed with a "book" and "stats".

The Miss Successful Surrogate blows them off with "I've done this before". "I have real world experience."

The Unsuccessful Intended Parent says "I want a second opinion". "Let's see and expert."

Miss Successful Surrogate says "Everything is fine. Why are you wasting my time?"

Finally, the IP's stop "harassing" Miss Successful Surrogate. Their "books" and requests for her to change her ways keep being ignored and are often met with anger.

The don't want to "stress" out the surrogate - because after all - it is bad for the baby.

So they keep quite.

And eat the stress themselves. Internalize it within - to protect the surrogate.

The goal is the baby.

The focus is the baby.

As an IP - How do you get the baby.

Everything else is second place.

They calm down relax - meet the surrogates needs.

The baby is born.

Everyone is happy.

The IP's are allowed to take the baby home - and they disappear.
And don't talk to the surrogate again.

The Surrogate won during the pregnancy. Then loses after the birth.
Sometimes when you win. you lose.

Need vs. Want - The Big Divide......

After watching and hearing about struggles that Intended Parents and Surrogates have over the last few years I have come to the conclusion that the biggest issues that everyone has can be summarized into one main group.

Need vs. Want

One side NEEEEEEDS something and the other side wants something that's in conflict with the other person's NEED.

The Intended Parent feels that if their NEED isn't meet that their future child will be everlastingly harmed. The surrogate wants to do the opposite thing.

On the other side the Surrogate NEEDS to do something and the IP's want the opposite thing and both sides beat their heads against the wall in frustration.

Either way a Grand Canyon grows.

And once that river flows and the Canyon starts to form it seems to spiral out of everyone's control and the divide gets deeper and wider.

Usually, everyone can keep the peace until there is a negative report about the babies health. And then the gloves come off.

The fine print of the contract is read. Every detail scrutinized. And quoted.

For every tit the other side has a tat. They take turns smacking each other upside the head.

Thinking - I will hit them so hard - that they will see the light and I will get my way.
The other side will bow down to me - I will win - AND - we will go back to having a great relationship.

Meanwhile, they are just playing a mutual game of "top it" - that only leads to mutual destruction.
Nobody ever wins at "top it".

Nobody ever wins when both sides start emailing quotes to each other from the contract.

It's frustrating to watch, hear, see, or read about these relationships gone bad.
Day-to-Day battles take away your happiness. Your excitement. Your joy. Of this wonderful experience.

As a reader I often feel like I am being dragged through the mud. By the hair.

The whole time, I am thinking, the focus shouldn't be on the IP or the surrogate.
It needs to be the baby at all times.

Everyone needs to keep focused or re-focus on the prize and on reaching the finish line.

As a unit.

As a team.

A shared goal.

A shared dream.

A shared ending.

With a shared mission.

My surrogate is SO lucky.........

I recently watched a new movie called google baby. It was an interesting take on Surrogacy in India.

A big part of the movie shows the Surrogates living "a life of luxury" as the sit or lay down in a room together
on wall to wall cots. The room has a TV in the corner and the staff brings them food.

They are basically on bed rest for the entire pregnancy.
Then their husband and kids would come and visit them during the day.

It actually looks like a surrogate jail - where they get "three hots and a cot."

As I watched the show it is really easy for me to think "how inhuman" and "undignified"
the experience must be for the India Surrogate women.

In our case our surrogate is far away, lives with her family, has a job that gets her out of the house often,
and gets to pick/choose her own diet without my interference or suggestions.

Now to be honest, after giving the whole idea a few days of thought, I have some to realize that if my Surrogate
was in the same town as me, the conversation would go like this -

Do you want to lay down on the bed or sit on the coach?
Do you need some water?
Have you had any protein today?
What kind of fruit would you like?
Do you want to watch a movie?
Are you going to eat that fruit?
Would you like me to get you a magazine?
Eat that fruit!
Here is another glass of water.
Drink up....
Cheers!!!!!

Are you ready for more fruit?

How about now?

Ummmm.... why are you getting up off of the coach?
Sit down....Lay down.......Here.
Do you need another pillow.

Let me get you more water.
To go with your fruit.

I can say with 100% confidence I would be saying those words in a loop.

ALL Day Long.

For the ENTIRE pregnancy.

Our surrogate would be fighting for a C-section.

So that she could get away from the crazy person (me) as soon as possible.

I just can't help thinking that my surrogate is SO lucky that she lives in another state.

How Do You Say Ostrich?

One of the funny parts of our trip to Guadalajara for IVF was going shopping at the Bazaar and at one booth
they were selling Ostrich boots. This was at a location that doesn't get a lot of English speaking customers
and the other IVF couple that was with us were bi-lingual and explained that they guy was telling us in Spanish that these were Ostrich boots.

The shoe salesman had never heard the word Ostrich before and was excited to learn the new word. He said it at least 10 times before we moved on. We passed him about 3 more times that day and every time we saw him he would yell out with a big smile OSTRICH.

He was so excited about the new word that he had learned.

For me, that is also the key word for how I have approached the pregnancy.

Once, we got the CVS test back telling us that the baby was healthy I have prepared myself by being the best Ostrich
that I can be the rest of the way.

This is not my nature - I am usually more hands on - but worked well for me.

We knew that the baby was healthy.
The surrogate was taking care of the baby.
The doctor was watching the baby and the surrogate.
Christy was watching all of them.

Everyone had a job to do.

Mine was to act like an Ostrich.

I have stayed grounded by keeping me head buried deep in the sand.
Between the basketball playoff games of course.

Maybe, this hasn't worked out the best, but all of the sand on my head has kept me from running around like a chicken without a head.

Stuck in one place and unable to move - at least mentally - worked well for me.

Let's hope I can keep it up for a few more weeks.

Our baby comes for Jihad.

A few weeks ago we were told that our baby is coming for Jihad.

A little terrorist that was coming with a bomb.

Set to detonate at birth.

To kill herself - or the surrogate.

Are baby comes with presents - how nice of her.

We were told that we have Vasa Previa or/and
Placenta Previa.

A simple definition means that there are blood vessels that can break during labor
and the baby or surrogate can bleed out.

The countdown for the bomb going off was the babies birth date.

Now to beat the bomb we were told that a C-section was required and would avoid
the wiring of the bomb, by coming out the escape hatch.

Our September 7th - natural birth date was changed.

Our "beat the bomb" birth date was tentatively scheduled for August 24th.

Someone, didn't like the "beat the bomb" plan. And made some moves now -
ahead of schedule - a clear sign of determination. Or just good luck.

The Previa moved. Out of harms way.

So now - for today - we are back to a VBAC.

Our set scheduled C-section date is now a floating date to be determined.

And the bomb has been disarmed.
Early.
Easily.
Harmlessly.
With everyone safe and worry free.

For Today.

Even an Easy Pregnancy is Hard....

Tick.....Tick.....Tick......Tick......

Goes the pregnancy watch.

It's a slow activity.

With an agonizing wait between updates.

Good news, bad news, either or news,

and my favorite........

Let's do more testing in a few weeks to find out
what this means news.

We even get to wait to find out what we have been told - actually means
to us.

They will let us know, next appointment in a few weeks.

The birth date changed - and then changed again - back to the original date.

Maybe.

Because, it might be another date. Based on the natural order of things.
Instead of the Doctor's schedule.

I think that the only thing worse then having a baby must be -
to be the one to actually going through the pregnancy and having the baby.

I mean - it's tough enough for me just getting a baby.