Lived Experience Of Intended Parents

My Other New Surrogacy Project....

Project Title: What Is The Lived Experience Of Intended Parents During Surrogate Pregnancy And Transition To Parenthood In Relation To The U.S. Healthcare System?

That is a mouth full.

What does it mean?

The term lived experience is used to describe the first-hand accounts and impressions of living as a member of a minority or oppressed group.

In layman's terms -

How does the Healthcare system oppress Intended Parents.

I could go on for days on this subject.

The study is being done by the The University of Texas at Tyler.

The potential benefit of the study is that it will be used to set the guidelines for hospitals around the Country.

As is my nature, I was the first Intended Parent that volunteered to be interviewed. I want the project to start off heading in the right direction.

They are looking for additional Intended Parents that are currently involved in a Surrogacy or have a baby through Surrogacy that is less than one years old. It is only open to Couples that live in the United States.

If you are interested in being involved please contact me for additional information.

A New Surrogacy Project..........

I am about to focus on a new all consuming Surrogacy project.

Well I actually have more than one all consuming projects coming up, but for today we will focus on the sharing of the most public aspect of my Surrogacy Story.

Today, I am committing to writing a book.

It will be a memoir as opposed to a guide book.

One man's thoughts about the absurd things that go through his mind while building his family through

Ideally, it should be a page turner rather than something brilliant.

The story will need SPICE to work.

This stands for Specifics, Places, Incidents, Characters, and Emotions.

Naturally, from my perspective, it will take genuine bravery to write an honest memoir.

It will be emotionally difficult to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth on a page for publication.

However, I feel that I have an important story that only I can tell.

And it's a Surrogacy Story.

That means it will be filled with truths, half-truths, and flat out lies.

With a large chapter titled - Beware.

A story of the journey of a person from innocence to wisdom, self-doubt to self-knowing, that is born of tests and trials during an adventure.

Something that the readers haven't read a hundred times before.

I am moving forward with this project because I feel that I have a story that is unique and that I offer new insights on the subject.

The first draft should be coming by the end of the year and I will be recruiting Surrogates to read it first and give me their feedback.

Without them there would be no story to tell.

Surrogacy Chooses You, You Don't Choose it...

Surrogacy Chooses You, You Don't Choose it...

Surrogacy is a necessary evil for some couples.

Nobody wakes up one morning and says "I'm going to find a Surrogate to carry my baby" without years of struggle and thought into the matter.


Finding out that there is NO other option for them.

This is not Plan A.

It's not even Plan B.

It's plan ZZZ.

And even then only because we have to.

After all other options have been explored.

Do we want to?

Hell no!

But, the alternative, life without a child, a family, is unbearable.

At times, it would be so easy to just give up and not have a child.

The thought does cross your mind.

Why can't we just stop?

Why can't we just be happy without a child? Or with the children that you already have in your arms.

Think of all the fun things we could do with the money that we are burning away trying to have a child.

One that we might not get, even with our best efforts.

The desire to procreate is overwhelming.

It's a hammer hitting you in the back of the head every minute.

There is no pill or medical intervention available to stop the pounding.

It's a methodical beating to your head and your heart.

Your heart must pump the desire to every part of your body.

You fell it in your soul. Minute-by-Minute, Second-by-Second.

Women have this ticking time bomb of a biological clock. I believe that men do to.

They just don't share.

And it comes to them much later in life.

When it does come, it's incessant, it's non-stop, and it's painful.

And there is only one cure.

A baby.

Focusing on the Future is Required....

The truth,

no myths,

no trendy responses—

just the truth that endures for this Intended Parent about Surrogacy land is that focusing on the future at all times is required.

That is the one piece of advice that I would give to a newbie just starting out.

Dream. Imagine. Think big.

Before the transfer, during the pregnancy, and after the birth.

Create your child's life story.

You will need your creativity, enthusiasm, and idealism the entire time.

The truth is that focusing on the future is the only thing that will keep you going.

The capacity to imagine and articulate exciting future possibilities will strengthen you during the tough times.

It’s not something anyone else can do for you, but you must do this for yourself.

You have to take a long-term perspective if you’re going to guide people to places they have never been before.

And you will be taking friends, family, and strangers along with you on the ride. You are their tour guide. The first or second person they have ever met that's done Surrogacy.

And, as important as it is, inspiring a shared vision is the most difficult of all to master.

Bringing everyone you meet into your personal story.

Telling them the private details of your life.

As an Intended Parent/Parent you are constantly developing the capacity to share your vision of an ennobling and uplifting story.

Surrogacy, you have to say yes to begin things...

How do you get started with IVF and Surrogacy.

You have to say yes to begin things

You have to say yes to big dreams,
You have to say yes to possibilities,
you have to say yes to the unknown,
you have to say yes to your beliefs, 
you have to say yes to difficult challenges, 
you have to say yes to sleepless nights,
you have to say yes to worry filled days,
you have to say yes to collaboration, 
you have to say yes to trust, 
you have to say yes to gut wrenching choices that often have no right answer, 
you have to say yes to facing your fears, 
you have to say yes to your heart,
and you have to say yes to faith.

So, here’s the big question: 

Are you ready to say yes?

Will the Surrogate give up the baby?

This is a common question Intended Parents get when they tell people for the first time that they are using a Surrogate.

The media plays up the horror stories.

Surrogate keep Baby - when it happens it's World Wide news.

These cases are usually a Traditional Surrogacy done in a place where Surrogacy is illegal.
Or at least paying the Surrogate is illegal. Therefore, the parents have no standing to protect

Surrogacy Lawyers play up to this fear.

You need to pay us large sums of money to protect your rights as a parent.

Because as a future parent there would be nothing more heart-breaking than to lose your child.

Your hopes and dreams. So near - and then snatched away from you.

When for just a little more money - you could have protected your rights as a parent.

Fear drives the marketplace.

Now I live in California and am interested in specifically our laws in this State. How do they apply to me?

I plan on using a Gestational Carrier - with my DNA.

What does history tell me about my Surrogate keeping the baby?

Know I am naive and slow at times I will admit. And numbers can be hard to figure out
and process.

But, I need to ask why you never hear anyone in California tell you that the one simple fact about California and your rights as Intended Parents.

Not one Agency or Lawyer will tell you this -

NO Gestational Surrogate has EVER fought for parental rights of a Surrogacy Baby born in California and won.

Not one.


That means that in California, the unofficial Surrogacy capitol of the World with more Surrogate births that anywhere else gives the baby to the Intended Parents EVERY TIME.

Surrogates 0%
Intended Parents 100%

If I were a beating man I would like those odds.

This is the only sure thing in a Surrogacy world of uncertainty.

Why doesn't anyone share that information?

My thoughts on our Surrogacy Experiences....

A few days ago I made a post called "A guys thoughts on Surrogacy."

I read it again today and realized the writing doesn't reflect the title.

I wrote about a lack of a guys thoughts on Surrogacy. And that they are missing from the Surrogacy World. My post does match the reality of the situation in that it didn't supply any answers and didn't include and thoughts from a guy.

I suppose that I should of just left the title as it is and made a blank post with no words.
That would correctly reflect the thoughts shared by the men.

It would be a quick read.

But, not very informative.

I figured that I would share my thoughts on Surrogacy in this post and clean up my missed topic.

As a warning, when I started posting on message boards about my opinions I often started them with
"I'm a guy."

Looking back, I think this was a not so subtle way to say "hold on, I'm going to offend you with what I am about to write." Let's see where I'm at today and if I can offend anyone with my thoughts.

Without Surrogacy, Christy and I would not have a relationship. At the very start it was clear that I would need a child of my own and she wasn't capable of carrying a baby.

It was a simple statement made by me that sounded so easy at the time - when Christy told me that she couldn't carry a baby I said:

"We will just get a Surrogate to carry for us."

"No big deal."

I mean how hard could it be?

That sentence changed our life.

How stupid could I be?

A third person that we wouldn't met for years, allowed us to become a couple.

Now fast forward a few years and our clock is ticking and it's time to move forward.

We start calling Agencies to get this thing done fast, without complications, and right away I get sticker shock.

You want me to pay how much?

Our odds are how low?

That doesn't include the cost of IVF!

My first thought is "Effen lawyers."

And I just know that every time I call them up with a quick two minute question they will be billing me for 15 minutes min. and I will be getting a $60 bill. If I'm lucky.

Ok. Let's move on to an independent match.

We find surrogate #1 in our life.

Christy fly's to her house and meets her for the day.

Everything is good. We are content and happy and found our match. She is currently about to deliver another couples baby and we will be moving forward with her in a few months.

We are set and it's just a matter of time.

She delivers the baby for her current IP's and then wants to substantially raise her fee that we have agreed on, almost doubling it, because -

She didn't like the way the current IP's treated he after the birth.

In short, we are being punished for their behavior.

Now this places everyone in a very bad situation.

When you change the agreement at the last minute trust is broken.

Our relationship now is being built on the foundation of your baggage. And we have re-opened negotiations.

I need to start kicking your tires and bringing up your negatives if we are going to re-negotiate.

This is no way to begin a positive trusting relationship.

She was a very nice girl, we liked her, and her location worked well for us.

However, we lost our trust in her.

We made the choice to find another Surrogate rather then negotiate with her and start our Surrogacy with an adversarial relationship. Because, I know that I'm going to make her cry and once that happens there's no going back.

My belief is that once you've negotiated the deal in Surrogacy you can't re-open negotiations.

Everything is based on complete trust from both sides and once you've shown that you will change the agreement in one place the other side is constantly wondering "what's next?"

How am I going to be blindsided?

How stable are you with your ability to make a decision and stick to it?

You've changed your mind on something minor. Before anything complicated had happened.

Can I trust you with something MAJOR? For the next 9 months?

Surrogate #1 down the drain.

On to the next one.

A Guys Thoughts On Surrogacy.

I'm looking all over the Internet for "A guys thoughts on Surrogacy" and I can't find anything.

Clearly, we are a bunch of deep thinkers and sharers.

When I say I can't find anything - I mean nothing.

To clarify, I am looking for someone with a story like mine.

Heterosexual male, Intended Parent, now ex-intended parent. Who went through the Surrogacy process.

I can find Surrogates Stories everywhere. Gay couples with two Intended Fathers, Lawyers, Doctors, and psychologists that have worked with Intended Parents, and Intended Mother stories. Even a few articles about the surrogates husband and how supportive he is - to her journey.

But, not a single story that I relate to and go - that's me - that's what I went through.

I find it odd that one of the main players in third party reproduction has absolutely no voice.

Half of the DNA comes from us. At least usually. And we have nothing of importance to say.

We are just a silent support person? Amazed by the whole situation?

Where else in life do guys spend a boat load of money and shut-up about it? Anywhere?

If you know of any books or websites written about Surrogacy from a guys perspective post a Link in the comment section.