More from Mr. Recipient..........

Things I've learned......

I have figured out where the term Mr. Recipient comes from.

I have actually seen it on a lot of websites now and there is
always a common link.

It is a term used by Surrogacy Agencies that started out as
Egg Donor Agencies and then started offering Surrogacy.

It seems that when couples are using an egg donor for IVF
on themselves they are called the Recipient.

Then these websites added Surrogates to the mix, but continue
to call the Intended Parents the Recipients.

I personally, am not a fan of the term and you will not see it used
as a descriptive word on my blog are on Expect Miracles Surrogacy.

One thing that I have really learned during the whole process is
that words mean a lot and terminology is very important.

I for one will stick with the term Intended Parents.

The Intentional Procreator vs. Casual Inseminator

Things I've learned.

OR

I haven't learned anything, But these are
things that I've Come to Ponder.



The Surrogacy Laws in California are all based on Case law as opposed to 
laws written by the legislature.


That means that people have sued somebody in court and the judges ruling on 
that case would be used to decide future cases "like that one."


The most significant case in California regarding Surrogacy is the Buzzanca case, 
which happened in 1998. 


In that case, a married couple used donor egg and donor sperm, and a surrogate. 


A month before the birth of the child, the couple divorced, and when the child was turned over to the intended mother, she asked for child support. 


The intended father refused to pay, claiming that he was not the parent. 


Because we didn't have any law at the time, the trial court found that he was not the father, and the intended mother wasn't the mother, because they weren't genetically the parents. 


When the case was appealed, the appellate court acted very swiftly in correcting the trial court, and came up with the rule of the case, and that is that both intended parents were the legal parents of the child. 


The rule in the case was that if parents through a surrogacy contract intend to create a child, and they set in motion a medical procedure which results in the creation of the child, they are the parents, whether they're genetically related or not. 


The interesting quote in the case was, paraphrasing, 


"The intentional procreator is as responsible as the casual inseminator."


And that is how California Surrogacy laws protecting the "Intended Parents" was born.

The Ideal Infertile Couple

Occasionally you look around the web and find a funny picture.

Here is the ideal infertile couple based on original artwork from India.


How Does a Surrogacy Relationship Change After Birth?

A while ago, I asked the question that is a very tough one to answer.
When does a surrogacy end?

Of course, many people will say "it never ends."

For others, it might be at the moment of birth. And it actually
ended long before that takes place.

I am not one of the hardliners on this subject.

I don't believe that it's a quick fade to black after the birth of the baby.

The more appropriate questions would be:

  • How does the relationship mature?
  • What are the new boundaries that need to be established?
  • How does everyone evolve in a healthy way through the transition phase?
One of the best answers that I have heard so far (I will paraphase) from an experienced surrogate is:

At the end of each of my surrogacies, I plan a big trip for MY family to go on so that we can reconnect. The Surrogacy journey is a long road and takes a lot out of me and my family. We need time to get away and focus on us and enjoy time together. 

For me, it's a very interesting time.

Your told to prepare for the roller coaster ride of IVF.

Prepare for the Two week wait.

Prepare for a Heart Beat.

Prepare for the Birth.

Prepare to bring home a baby.

Where are the instruction to prepare and transition from Intended Parent to Parent and Surrogate to Experienced Surrogate?

Labor of Love or Financial Boost? OR Will Surrogates Never Learn. Part 2

Is the publicity impossible to ignore?

Is there no such thing as bad press?

Once again, a surrogate is talking to the media.

I wrote about this the other day when Military surrogates had an article about
them in Glamour Magazine.

So here we are a few days later and we find out that tomorrow a Military Surrogate
will be on Good Morning America.

The Title of the piece is:

Military Surrogates: Labor of Love or Financial Boost? Some Military Wives Are Making a Living by Carrying Babies for Other Couples

With that title, do you think the reporting will be fair and balanced?

Mr. Recipient..........

Things I've learned.

OR

I haven't learned anything, But these are
things that I've Come to Ponder

#3


Here is something that I've never heard of before on Surrogacy World.


I was looking at an Surrogacy agencies website last night and they were
describing a character involved in IVF and Surrogacy that I have never
heard of before this very moment.


I've been living here for a long time and thought I knew everything.


Boy, was I proven wrong.


Here is a quote from the agencies website that had me confused.
Can you tell where I was stumped?


California offers many legal advantages for surrogacy delivery including birth certificates with the recipients’ names as the mother and father. Our recipients come from all over America and all over the world, so distance is never an issue. Recipients are encouraged to keep in touch with their surrogate by phone calls, email, web cam, and several visits whenever possible during the course of pregnancy

What is a recipient?

I thought that is what the Surrogate was called during the transfer.

When the doctor transfer's the embryo's to the surrogate thye are receiving the
embryo's. Thus, they are the recipient.

Correct?

However, considering that the agency tells us:
the recipients’ names as the mother and father.
and
Recipients are encouraged to keep in touch with their surrogate

Well that tells me that the Intended Parents are being called "the recipients."

The Recipient. It sounds like your catching a disease?

What a wonderful thing to be called?


I know that was my dream when we started.

I wasn't striving to be a parent.

Or one of the commoners, and be called "Dad."
But, a Recipient. That is a unique and special name.
By the way, that's Mr. Recipient to you.

Fertility is a Privilege...

Most people don't give having a baby a second thought.

It's not IF, but when.

When everything is perfect in life - I will have a baby.

No Problems, No Delays, No Worries.

If you've been raised to believe that you can have a child whenever you're ready and it will happen pretty much right away, and it will be beautiful and perfect and it will be hard but it will all be worth it in the end, then dealing with the idea that it might be a struggle to conceive, it might take years, there will be risks, there might be death, and the whole process might leave you permanently changed, even cost you your marriage and friends and job, and you can still have nothing to show for it in the end? 
For infertile couples, it's a whole different ballgame.

Most people never consider that Fertility is a Privilege. I mean:

Babies are everywhere. Not only are babies everywhere, but everywhere you go they are celebrated. Which is understandable, because making more little versions of us is pretty much Job One of any species. Babies are assumed - if you're an adult, you're going to have kids. It's just a matter of time. Don't want them? You'll change your mind. Having trouble having them? Just relax - it'll happen when you least expect it. 

In our case, there was no relaxing while trying to have a baby.
No relaxing while pregnant.
And there has still been no relaxing. Not for a minute.

We are just not capable of relaxing.

Grown adults tell us - "you need a date night." I will babysit for you.

And I think "I don't know you that well." Sure we are friends, and you've raised
five kids of your own, but c'mon were not that close.

Or my mom, who likes to tell me, "I raised 3 kids and 3 nephews and nieces,
and a combined 9 Grand-Children and 2 Great Grand Children."

And I tell her,

You may come over and view the baby if you like. You can hold her briefly,
after you have washed your hands.

We did relax - ONCE - for less than half an hour.

Christy had a friend who is a NICU nurse. She was left alone with the child,

briefly,

Very briefly.

It was torture.

And I am still not 100% sure we should have done it.

Besides that moment, one of us has been within arms reach of our child for 6 straight weeks.

We created life.

And

We are not ready for anyone to take our bundle of joy away from us.

Even for a minute.

Uneducated, Unstable, Financially Drained Uterus Whores.

Things I've learned.

OR

I haven't learned anything, But these are
things that I've Come to Ponder

#2


Why do Military Surrogates continue to talk to the Media?
The current article can be found at:
http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2010/10/the-most-wanted-surrogates-in-the-world

They have a crack investigative teams go on SMO and find a random post
about how many Surrogates are in the military and find a Surrogate Agency
that is all to happy for some free publicity.

And then the magazine slams military Surrogates.

Why do Surrogates never learn that the media is not their friend?

All they want to do is slam the "Commercial" Surrogate!
(Before this article, I have never heard of this term.)

Why does the media always have the same angles -

1) Surrogates in India are being taken advantage of by greedy foreigners. Are they really?
2) Military Surrogates are being greedy by using their health care? Health care that they have earned.
Is this really greedy and immoral?

All the public comments on the article take the normal stance:
1) Surrogacy is prostitution.
2) Their screwing the government by using taxpayer funded insurance.
3) Stop making designer babies

Then you have women that have been surrogates defending the practice - saying this story has been poorly researched and is a bad representation of the situation.

They are upset that surrogates keep being portrayed as "Uneducated, Unstable, Financially Drained Uterus Whores."

Duh.

Negativity sells.

Has the media EVER portrayed a surrogate as anything close to an empowered women?
Does anyone have a link to THAT article?

Intended parents are not working with a 19 year old old, homeless runaway, that just got out of
rehab. If you are a desperate women - trying to escape rough times - Surrogacy is not for you.

The media stereotype of a surrogate is not close to reality.

It takes a mentally strong, financially, and emotionally stable women, with a strong support network of
family and friends to be a surrogate.

It is not for the meek.

Empowered women only need apply!

Why did the Vietnam veteran cross the road?

We've come home from the war.

Not the real war on the other side of the world.

But, the real war in our head.

We've been fighting our own little terrorist.

Our war with infertility.

And we conquered. With the help of our friends.

Our own personal infertility fighting team of misfits and experts.

Every war has casualties, every battle has collateral damage.

We surely had our share along the way.

The veterans who return - and if you stay on IVF Land for long, you are a veteran -
have memories that they won't share with anyone else.

(Insert your private personal thoughts here.)

Your friends and family get divided into "the ones who get it" and "the ones who don't get it."

The ones that "don't get it," "won't get it," "can't get it."

You can't share with them, it's just that things happened, and it's not for them to know.

Just like soldiers that have gone to war don't like to talk about the war.

Some times the past is best left in the past.

Which leads me to an old joke:

Q: Why did the Vietnam veteran cross the road?
A: You wouldn't know, man! You weren't there!

Am I trying to "Rock the Boat"...

I was asked today if I am trying to "Rock the Boat" now that I have gone through a 
successful surrogacy and things have settled down for us.

The short answer is - 

YES.


I will "Rock the Boat" in regards to telling my story in that I will not tip to far to
the extreme sides. I want to have a smooth sailing ship and not one that always leans
to one side -

OR

Gets so lopsided, that it tips over under it's own weight.

A balanced approach, must keep an equilibrium and try to explore and explain
both sides fairly.

This is the only way to sail straight and true.

The feel of the blog shouldn't change. I have made many posts about the unwritten rules of surrogacy and will keep working around those lines.

I don't see things as black, white, and always, but in ever complex levels of grey.

I have been witness to a lot of Surrogacy/IP relationships over the last six years and have thoughts and questions on a multitude of issues.

If anything I am looking for answers as opposed to providing them.


Pregnancy or Baby?

Things I've learned.

OR

I haven't learned anything, But these are
things that I've Come to Ponder

#1

This is the start of a new series of posts that I will be making where I ramble about
my thoughts regarding being an Intended Father (now Father) in a surrogate run world.

What is the main story of the journey that the IP's and Surrogate take together?

If you were writing for a paper what are the 5 W's, (Who, What, Where, When and Why?)
that leap out to you and make this a story?

By reading Surrogate and IP's stories on the web I constantly see two different story lines.

The surrogate's story is about the pregnancy.

The IP's story is about the baby.

They are not the same story. We do not have the same experience - from the same event.

The basic's are the same for both parties.

The who, the what, the where, and the when everyone can agree on.

The WHY!!!

The Why is a wild card and is all over the place.

The Why for the IP is simple -

It's this are nothing.

The Why for the Surrogate is different.

She wants to help others. In the grandest way possible.
She has a huge heart.

As an IP - we are desperate and in need.

A Surrogate is kind and giving.

The IP's have made a very calculated decision to do IVF and Surrogacy.

The Surrogate makes an emotional decision to help others.

The Ip's tends to focus on the "baby."
"How is the baby."

The surrogate tends to focus on the pregnancy.
"I have morning sickness." In IP speak this means "the baby is doing well."

We are coming to the party with two different perspectives.

How do we keep our mutual objective moving forward and keep building a strong
team?

Getting Settled....

Here we are at 1 month 9 days and we are getting settled into our new normal.

Finally.

All of the friends and relatives have had their viewing opportunity.

Our baby has settled in and sleeps a solid 7 hour nights sleep.

We know how to change a diaper and be Mr. Dad.

Overall, the hardest part of the first month was the constant stream of
well wishers.

No doubt, they are all welcome. But how did we get so many of them?

Mom and Dad are just not that popular.

Everyone came to bow down to the new born queen.

Or as her sister calls her:

"Baller Baby."

How much of a baller can you really be when all you have are clothes?

Everything is smooth, simple, and easy.