My thoughts on our Surrogacy Experiences....

A few days ago I made a post called "A guys thoughts on Surrogacy."

I read it again today and realized the writing doesn't reflect the title.

I wrote about a lack of a guys thoughts on Surrogacy. And that they are missing from the Surrogacy World. My post does match the reality of the situation in that it didn't supply any answers and didn't include and thoughts from a guy.

I suppose that I should of just left the title as it is and made a blank post with no words.
That would correctly reflect the thoughts shared by the men.

It would be a quick read.

But, not very informative.

I figured that I would share my thoughts on Surrogacy in this post and clean up my missed topic.

As a warning, when I started posting on message boards about my opinions I often started them with
"I'm a guy."

Looking back, I think this was a not so subtle way to say "hold on, I'm going to offend you with what I am about to write." Let's see where I'm at today and if I can offend anyone with my thoughts.

Without Surrogacy, Christy and I would not have a relationship. At the very start it was clear that I would need a child of my own and she wasn't capable of carrying a baby.

It was a simple statement made by me that sounded so easy at the time - when Christy told me that she couldn't carry a baby I said:

"We will just get a Surrogate to carry for us."

"No big deal."

I mean how hard could it be?

That sentence changed our life.

How stupid could I be?

A third person that we wouldn't met for years, allowed us to become a couple.

Now fast forward a few years and our clock is ticking and it's time to move forward.

We start calling Agencies to get this thing done fast, without complications, and right away I get sticker shock.

You want me to pay how much?

Our odds are how low?

That doesn't include the cost of IVF!

My first thought is "Effen lawyers."

And I just know that every time I call them up with a quick two minute question they will be billing me for 15 minutes min. and I will be getting a $60 bill. If I'm lucky.

Ok. Let's move on to an independent match.

We find surrogate #1 in our life.

Christy fly's to her house and meets her for the day.

Everything is good. We are content and happy and found our match. She is currently about to deliver another couples baby and we will be moving forward with her in a few months.

We are set and it's just a matter of time.

She delivers the baby for her current IP's and then wants to substantially raise her fee that we have agreed on, almost doubling it, because -

She didn't like the way the current IP's treated he after the birth.

In short, we are being punished for their behavior.

Now this places everyone in a very bad situation.

When you change the agreement at the last minute trust is broken.

Our relationship now is being built on the foundation of your baggage. And we have re-opened negotiations.

I need to start kicking your tires and bringing up your negatives if we are going to re-negotiate.

This is no way to begin a positive trusting relationship.

She was a very nice girl, we liked her, and her location worked well for us.

However, we lost our trust in her.

We made the choice to find another Surrogate rather then negotiate with her and start our Surrogacy with an adversarial relationship. Because, I know that I'm going to make her cry and once that happens there's no going back.

My belief is that once you've negotiated the deal in Surrogacy you can't re-open negotiations.

Everything is based on complete trust from both sides and once you've shown that you will change the agreement in one place the other side is constantly wondering "what's next?"

How am I going to be blindsided?

How stable are you with your ability to make a decision and stick to it?

You've changed your mind on something minor. Before anything complicated had happened.

Can I trust you with something MAJOR? For the next 9 months?

Surrogate #1 down the drain.

On to the next one.


Cyn said...

Oooh! I am excited! So far, so good. No offense taken at all.
Just for clarity, were the agreements all just verbal and not at an actual contract stage yet?
Were specific numbers agreed on or 'ball parks'?

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

She was currently pregnant so everything was verbal. The details were locked in pretty solid. We were months away from going to contracts.