Tale of Two Worlds

When the Intended parent and Surrogate get involved in the process they normally hear two entirely different comments from friends, family, and strangers.

The Surrogates hear:
Your going to build a family for someone.
Your going to give the gift of life.
You are so special for doing that for someone.
And you get paid - what a bonus.

The Intended Parents hear:
Isn't that expensive?
How are you coming up with the money?
It seems so unnatural does it really work?
Do you really need more children?
Why don't you adopt?
What is so important about your DNA?
Is she going to keep the baby?
The baby is not really yours.
Aren't you playing God?
Some people just aren't supposed to have children.
Aren't you worried about the surrogate doing drugs?
Aren't you just using some poor women?
Aren't you being selfish?

Maybe, you should just get a puppy. That will cure everything.

I am sure that I have missed a bunch. Please add your thoughts in the comment section.

14 comments:

Cyn said...

How can you give away your baby?
Won't that be hard?
Will you ever see the baby again?
How much DO they pay you?

There are many misconceptions from people regarding surrogacy. But because surrogates generally feel passionately about what they are doing they are willing to risk telling people about it-despite having to clear up many misconceptions.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

Cyn,

I know that I missed a lot on both sides of the issue on this one. The fact is that the list is really long.

Jenn said...

I think that IP's get the short end of the stick and get more cynical comments than surros. They do get the "tough questions" like those listed.

I will say as a surrogate, for each "you're such an angel" (which I HATE) I also get, the demeaning comments about money or how could I "not care" about this child.

I rack it up to ignorance, and despite our bests efforts we cannot educate everyone.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

Jenn,

There is a quote from an old LA Dodger baseball coach named Tommy Losorda that I remember hearing as a kid that fits here.

A third of the people want you to win, a third of the people want you to lose (rooting for the other team), and a third of the people don't care either way".

Gina said...

I thought it was interesting the comments I would get as an uncomped surro with my first journey. People would be amazed that I was doing it for "nothing". (How can you give away a baby, especially if you're not getting paid.) I wasn't doing it for "nothing". I was helping my cousins have a child. They would hardly call it nothing.

The list of ignorant (and occassionally thoughtful) comments really does go on and on.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

Most of the people aren't mean on purpose they are just thoughtless. They haven't had to deal with the subject so they don't really have any background on the matter and just say whatever pops into their mind.

Like my one friend that said "so if you put your embryo in a black women and let her carry the baby - would you have a black child".

Ignorant, but harmless.

Those people don't bother me.

Surrogate said...

I get 2 general types of comments usually. The rude self-righteous "wow, you must be making bank, *I* could never give away a baby" to the unnecessary "you are such an angel, what an amazing selfless thing to do"

Both types make me uncomfortable and neither reflects surrogacy reality as I see it. I think it's much harder for IPs though, I think their intentions are usually judged more harshly.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

I thought that the name Angel was reserved for strippers and porn stars. I never thought about calling my surrogate Angel.

On the other hand - Christy never thought about calling her surrogate's after fertility goddesses. Which I thought was a perfectly normal idea.

I guess we each find our own comfort zone.

bumpfairy said...

Great post! I have had a different experience when talking about my surrogacy. I live in a smaller community so the mindset is also a bit.. small. Mostly I get the nasty "you're a baby seller" kind of response ( which doubles in venom when they learn my IF is *gasp* gay), with a few "Gee it must be nice to make so much money so easily" ( insert my insane laughter here) thrown in and a handfull of "angel" comments that yes, irritate me. It's a fine line, and I can only guess how hard it is as an IP to walk down it. I get to "walk away" from anything uncomfortable when I go home from the hospital unless I choose to bring it up. I'm just another woman. But an IP has to deal with it, even a tiny bit, for the rest of their lives. Hats off to you!

Christy said...

My personal favorite-

"Maybe this (my infertility) is a sign from God that you are not to have more children."

My answer-

I prayed for 9 years for God to remove the NEED in my heart to have another child and then I met Jon and he suggested Surrogacy and KNEW at that moment the reason God never took my pain and deep need away.....he always planned for me to have more children it just wasn't time yet and he chose a differnt path than I expected. God is AWSOME.

Christy said...

My other favorite is-

"What if she wants to keep the baby?"

My answer-

This woman is perfectly capable of having her own child why on earth would she go to such trouble to steal my and Jon's genes???? I know we think they are the best but come on who else would?!

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

Bumpfairy,

I am lucky. I live in California so most people are pretty accepting of Surrogacy.

Plus, I am a really big guy so there are not a lot of people that want to insult me.

Christy said...

This is true....Jon is a great date at a night club because he gets treated like a bouncer by the other guys. Except for the hip hop/rap bar we went to with all NFL players and some girl kept yelling "dancing white boy dance"

Jon pretty much gets supported by others. ;-)

Jenifer said...

As a surro the only negative comment I have run into so far has been... "But they already have a child, shouldn't you be helping a CHILDLESS couple?"

This one really bothered me. I responded by asking her why infertility should limit the family size they have dreamed of, and if someone told her she would not be able to have her youngest child how would she have felt??