Listen and You Will hear........

Listen and You Will hear...
the panic attack of an IP coming near.

A surro and her IP's go to the doctor for a check-up on the baby.

Do they hear the same thing?

Sure they both listen to the doctor, but do they walk away from
the appointment with the same expectations of what needs to be done
before the next visit? Or how healthy the baby is at this moment in time?

You have all heard of the book titled "Men are from Mars and Women
are from Venus". Can the same be said for IP's and Surro's?

You here the stories and what the two groups take away from their meeting with the doctor's
are often night and day. You talk to the IP and hear that the Surro has been placed on strict bedrest for 2 weeks and then you hear that the Surro played tennis all morning before going skiing in the afternoon.


I got to assume that the Surro wants to carry a healthy baby and thinks they are doing what the doctor told them.

Where is the disconnection happening?

Is it as simple as this example:

The doctor says "if this happens, then we will put you on bedrest for two weeks.
The Surro focuses on the word "if" - and goes that isn't happening right now so I am okay.
While the IP goes right to "we will put you on bedrest". Thinking to themselves "Why be risky let's just be safe and go straight to bedrest".

Here is my very unscientific thoughts on the matter.

The Surrogate usually comes in to this relationship with a completely different
background then the IP. Most of them have healthy kids and their pregnancies have
been easy for them.

Their pregnancies were not very complicated and sure things changed during the course
of the pregnancy, but without and major problems in their past - they expect things to go well.

The IP's on the other hand often have years of struggle behind them before they move
on to a Surrogacy journey. This is a scientific and medical journey for them. They are constantly
being told and are aware of the obstacles every step of the way.

For an IP, each check-up is another battle to win or lose. If things went well you take a deep breath and immediatly start analyzing the next battle. The IP thinks "sure there are blue skies here right now, but we need to be concerned with what is over the next hill".

Without carrying the baby the IP is only left with the medical information on how the baby is doing. Each drop of information is priceless and deeply held onto. Therefore, the IP's focus on every single word in the doctor's report.

So gentle reader, here is the write in participation part of the blog. This is where you can add your comment to the discussion.

Based on their background going into the pregnancy do the Surro and IP hear what the doctor says differently?

Do they both take away the same meaning and expectations from their doctor visits?


Cyn said...

I think you are absolutely right. We do both come at it with different experiences and of course those cloud our vision.
Hopefully, the surro is able to remember that this is not just an ordinary pregnancy and try to take into account how an IP may be feeling about everything that is said. And likewise, hopefully an IP can take into consideration WHO is carrying their child and not worry quite so much because they know without a shadow of a doubt that their surro is also worrying some for them. (I know that this is not always the situation but in MY ideal surrogate/IP relationship this is exactly how it should be. We are a team and we do shoulder the joys and the worries together!)

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...


I think that the right match of Surrogate and IP can help relieve a lot of the stress that an IP feels. Other parts it doesn't matter who the Surro is the stress will be there for the IP based on the long odds that they face.

Here are two good example.

You are driving in your car minding your own business. Out of no where another car hits you and spins your car out of control. Not a major accident, but still very scary.

For the next few days or weeks you can't relax when you drive. You are worried that another car is going to come and hit you. You are tense even though the odds of getting in another accident are very low.

Or how about the person that is afraid of flying? Mentally, they know that flying is safe and that 1,000's of flights happen everyday, but they are still scared. Even though the odds are very low that the plane will crash.

Now compare that to the IP where the odds are stacked against them every step of the way. They have already faced years of accidents, failures, and set-backs.

Sure they have confidence and faith that it will work this time, but they are cautiously optimistic.

Cyn said...

I still see what you're saying, but don't you think it's easier to get back in the car or fly if the right support person is with you? Doesn't 'who' is helping you to get through whatever the fear may be, make a difference? Yes the fear and worry is still there, but hopefully not as much as when the 'wrong support person' is there.

And I want to throw out there that although I did everything I could do ensure a positive outcome for my IP's the first time, I'm much more nervous about things going wrong this second time-because I do know them so much better and a loss now would be much more devastating for me than a loss during our first pregnancy (not to say that a loss then would've been easy). This sibling 'project' or 'journey' is so much more emotional for me than the first when we were 'virtual strangers'.

Jen H. said...

Even as a surrogate, I have to agree with you (IP) on this one. We surros hear things differently than our IPs, but we also need to listen with "their" ears as well. This is THEIR pregnancy, regardless the fact that I am carrying it. If a doctor tells me "if this happens, you will need to go on bedrest", I would be the first to place myself there if it would make my IPs feel more at ease. Yes, it may make things harder on my own family unecessarily, but my IPs need to know that I would be willing to do what I can to make sure their pregnancy is carried out the way they would want it to be. If it was my pregnancy, it would be my say. Why shouldn't it be the same with a surrogate pregnancy?

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

Jen H.

In many ways I think that IP's have super sensitive hearing and they can only hear certain things.

I know that after our first time through IVF I heard a lot of things different the second time. Even though they were basically the same things told to me the same way.

The best we can really do is keep open the line of communication.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...


Your question requires a long answer and will actually be a post soon.

The quick answer is "yes" the who matters.

This talk has reminded me of a quote I heard once and I can't remember where, but here goes.

Everyone says that a Marriage is 50/50. But it's never 50/50 it's more 0/100 one day and then 100/0 the next.

Sure it averages out to 50/50, but it is never balanced perfect.

Millie said...

Interesting conversation. I know that I am not a typical IP (mom to 4 that I gave birth to) so I guess that I do have a different take on things. But what IVF Land IF says is how my hubby views things more. This is his first pregnancy experience. He worries about everything. It is helpful to read that his reactions are probably pretty common.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...


As a first time IF I am not having the experience of pregnancy. I am having the experience of surrogacy.

I am not just one step removed from the pregnancy, but two.

It also, comes with a Doctor telling me the odds every step of the way. And the odds are never in my favor.

Millie said...

"As a first time IF I am not having the experience of pregnancy. I am having the experience of surrogacy.

I am not just one step removed from the pregnancy, but two.

It also, comes with a Doctor telling me the odds every step of the way. And the odds are never in my favor."

Do you think that once your surrogate(s) is pregnant that you will view it as experiencing a pregnancy and not just a surrogacy?
I actually had to call my husband and ask him how he views this. His answer. "A little bit of both" He said it is a pregnancy but through a third party. Our surro updates us on what is going on. We go to doc appointments but no it isn't that same as if I was the one pregnant.
For me it hasn't been that way. I have been so involved with this every step of the way that I am in my mind experiencing a pregnancy (but I don't have to add any new stretch marks). I appreciate your point of view. It expands mine.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...


I answered your question in two new posts called experiencing surrogacy.

Your question inspired the new post. Keep them coming.