Don't touch the Surro is unwritten/unspoken rule #2.
At least from one IF's perspective this is a very hard and fast rule. And when I say don't touch the Surro I don't just mean physically. I mean don't talk to her either. Avoid eye contact if possible. Keep conversation to a minimum. Be polite, but not too personal. Be open, but don't share to much. AND don't ever be left alone with her.
Sure you can call me paranoid, but this is a radioactive situation. Nations have been built and wars fought over bad Traditional Surrogacy situations.
As guys, you girls have brainwashed us for years. Be happy, you won.
Starting when we are teenagers - we are told - you are in a relationship with me. Don't look at that girl. Don't you dare talk to her.
Now as an adult, I am in a solid relationship, yet another girl is carrying my child, and I am expected to skip over 25 years of programming???????
You must admit - you girls have us programmed well. The only IF's willing to talk are the gay couples, but since they don't have an IM in the mix do they really have a choice?
It seems to me that, with few exceptions, everyone that has an option let's the IM do the talking.
Now after the IM has introduced you to the surrogate and given you (IF) approval. This is usually unspoken also, you can talk to the Surro in limited situations. This is normally based on the divisions of tasks in your relationship with you IM.
Maybe the IF arranges all travel, flights, hotels, or Doctor appointments. This is the normal division of labor in their relationship so it naturally continues in this one. It will normally, be limited to planning or doing an activity.
For the most part though, as an IF we want to respect the IM first and then the Surrogate and her husband. And we are searching through our mind - where is the training on this subject? How do we behave? What is safe?
And we come up blank.
In our mind, if we don't know what is safe then we must expect that nothing is safe. Everything is off limits. The safe thing is to stay away.
Women of course love complex relationships and want to talk about their feelings and work things out.
As guys we go back to our teenage training for how to handle a new situation like this - Our dating experience is the closest thing that we can find.
So the rules that you girls gave us years ago are:
Pay complete attention to the girl your with. Acknowledge any other girl as little as possible. Talk only when required.
And the whole time, we pray that no one will asks us how we feel.