Need vs. Want - When The Surrogate Wins - She Loses......

From an IP's perspective once the Surrogate is pregnant and 100% by heart beat the Surrogate holds all of the cards.

Their many objective is - how do I keep her happy.

How do I make things easier for her?

Can I carry her around like Cleopatra while the peons peel her grapes.

And then the first questionable test comes back.

It's going to happen. It happens to everyone at some point.

The Doctor wants "further testing."

It could be something big. It could be something small. It doesn't matter.

The IP's just heard - "your baby is in jeopardy"! Get prepared mentally "YOUR baby might not make it"!

This is the GREAT MENTAL DIVIDE between IP's and Surrogates.

The Surrogate hears "let's do another test". It's "not a big deal". "Everything is fine".

IP's and Surrogates do not speak the same language. The often don't understand each other.

And here is why:

A Surrogate is a Surrogate because of two main factors:
1) She is fertile
2) Pregnancy is easy for her.

Usually, she has had multiple pregnancies without complications.

An Intended Parent becomes one because:
1) They are infertile
2) They usually have a long list of failed pregnancy attempts.
3) A history of one or more Miscarriages.

They come to the party with a history of failure, struggles, and loss.

The two people are trying to share an experience while standing on different mountains and facing away from each other.

When one side has only had success and the other has only known failure - how can they get along during the tough times?

Good communication is a must - and yet very rare in Surrogacy World.

Often. Miss Successful Surrogate thinks. I know best. The IP's are over reacting. And I am going to do things "MY WAY".

This has worked for me in the past. I never had any issues. I have X number of healthy kids. I know what I am doing.

The Unsuccessful Intended Parent hears "Hey You - Sit down, Shut up, and hold on!" "I am the boss of you!"

The Unsuccessful Intended Parent is armed with a "book" and "stats".

The Miss Successful Surrogate blows them off with "I've done this before". "I have real world experience."

The Unsuccessful Intended Parent says "I want a second opinion". "Let's see and expert."

Miss Successful Surrogate says "Everything is fine. Why are you wasting my time?"

Finally, the IP's stop "harassing" Miss Successful Surrogate. Their "books" and requests for her to change her ways keep being ignored and are often met with anger.

The don't want to "stress" out the surrogate - because after all - it is bad for the baby.

So they keep quite.

And eat the stress themselves. Internalize it within - to protect the surrogate.

The goal is the baby.

The focus is the baby.

As an IP - How do you get the baby.

Everything else is second place.

They calm down relax - meet the surrogates needs.

The baby is born.

Everyone is happy.

The IP's are allowed to take the baby home - and they disappear.
And don't talk to the surrogate again.

The Surrogate won during the pregnancy. Then loses after the birth.
Sometimes when you win. you lose.


Cyn said...

Once again, I love the perspective. Nobody really wins when there are issues. The more we hear of others' experiences, the more we realize how lucky we got in our situations.
Thanks for the insight!

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

I don't know how fresh or new my insight is, but it does/will set up and help explain my want vs. need issue that I will be posting soon.

Cyn said...

Who knows if it's fresh or new, but it definitely needs to stay at the forefront of our minds as we enter into surrogacy.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

Not just at the start. But Daily.

Throughout the journey you need to have your hand on the rudder continually making small adjustments to keep everyone on course and headed in the right direction.