A poster has questioned my feelings towards my last surrogate.
I tried to make a joke that didn't hit the right tone in one of my prior threads called "what is there not to like about surrogacy". Here is the part of the post in question:
Of course, I don't have a surro at this time, and in the past I have never had a bad experience with my surro. In fact, I love my surro, and all other surro's, at all times. My future surro, whomever she is, is the best.
Anyways, let's get on with this post and explain myself.
Using a point of reference that hopefully everyone can understand, I would say that our first relationship with a surrogate was very much like your relationship with your first boyfriend/girlfriend. It starts out all rosy with everyone happy for you and lots of good feelings. You hit a rough spot and try to work through it. Then times get tough and you don't want to let go and move on after all of the time that has been invested. You hold on longer then you should. And it finally ends in a public mess with friends taking sides.
There are good times, and bad times in the relationship. And I guess the question is: When the relationship is over what part of it do you keep with you?
I think being an athlete I learned that to win you need to have a mental eraser. You learn from your mistakes but you don't take the mistake into the future. You take the lesson, but not the mistake. The mistake gets erased so you don't get caught up in why the ball didn't get through the hoop last shot - rather the focus is to take another shot and how you will make it next time.
The first time around the block I am sure that I was as involved as your normal IF. I was at most of the appointments and was involved with all of the medical decisions and there every step of the way. The IVF part of the procedure I was there 100%.
Then you get into the "girl talk" part of the equation . As the talk turned to other topics such as pregnancy, other people and their relationships, or where strangers where in their journey and I was a fish out of water.
It was very much like two little girls playing dolls, as they planned the pregnancy and talked about baby dress up and having a great time. While I played cars on the other side of the room. We were all playing together, but not necessarily the same game.
So what did I learn and how is the lesson helping me move forward?
I have learned that I am not having the experience of a pregnancy. I am experiencing surrogacy. And sure, through the surrogate I can experience the pregnancy, but not in the same way I would/could if Christy was the one being pregnant.
There are really two options for me. I can be a supportive 3rd wheel to the situation and let the women gather together and plan the details as they have a "girls only" friendship. Or I can become involved as much as an IF can and fully embrace the situation - as awkward as that might be at times.
The main point is that this journey will be my children's life story forever. I can set the tone before the next journey starts by fully embracing every aspect of the experience, sharing my thoughts on the process, and acknowledging how special the surrogates are that help complete a family.
Because without all of us working together as a team - my children will never have a story to tell.