Who vs. Where Part 2 - OR "My" Want vs. Need.....

Looking back at my prior posts - two years ago - we were at a turning point in our Surrogacy adventure.

We made a choice of  Who vs. Where Part 1.

I came to Surrogacy World with an open mind, open heart - and only one requirement.

The child needed to be born in California. Specifically, Southern California.

We had a lot of people say "that is stupid." It doesn't matter where the child is born.
It will live in California and will never know anything else.

So, with much thought, we made an open choice to pick "who - over - where."
That means we chose to work with a surrogate that wasn't going to deliver in California.

We picked a great surrogate and have had a great experience.

It was the right choice at the time.

The right person for us.

And the right choice still.

Without a doubt......... WE WON with our selection as a surrogate.

We are now weeks away from having our baby in our hands.

We have paid the price and done the hard work necessary to get to the finish line.

Victory is at hand. Clearly, in sight. Mere moments away.

And yet, I am filled with an oppressive sadness as this victory nears.

At this time, I fill like my victory comes with a mark. A mark that will follow my child to the grave.

She will not be born in California.

Sure - this is where almost all of you can laugh. And tell me to get over it. You have a healthy child on
the way. Don't be picky. Especially, over something so minor.

I understand that this is a want and not a need.
I understand that this is a want and not a need.
I understand that this is a want and not a need.
I understand that this is a want and not a need.


I keep thinking - if I repeat that sentence enough - I can start to believe it.


However, it's not working.


Instead, I look at the Obituaries and I read them:

They all say - "So & So was born Date, Place."

This is the FIRST LINE in everyone's obituary.

This is truly a cradle to grave issue.

I understand that this is a want and not a need.
I understand that this is a want and not a need.
I understand that this is a want and not a need.
I understand that this is a want and not a need.

California is a migration state. Everyone is from somewhere else. In High school, I only
had one friend that had both parents born in California. One.

Christy and I both have deep roots in California.

My family arrived here in the 1890's.

And we are the new kids on the block compared to Christy's family that arrived during the gold rush.

My family has been here for 120 years.

I'm giving away my roots to the state - my heritage.

But, it's not my roots I'm giving away. It's my child's roots.

Now every time, my child does something simple - like answer a password question for a bank account - she
will have to say - "I am not from California."

I am not like the rest of my family.

I understand that this is a want and not a need.
I understand that this is a want and not a need.
I understand that this is a want and not a need.
I understand that this is a want and not a need.

My feelings remind me off another quote from Lincoln that he made just as he was leaving to
be sworn in as President.



"Friends, no one who has never been placed in a like position can understand my feelings at this hour, nor the oppressive sadness I feel at this parting. For more than a quarter of a century I have lived among you, and during all that time I have received nothing but kindness at your hands. Here I have lived from my youth until now I am an old man. Here the most cherished ties of earth were assumed. Here all my children were born and here one of them lies buried. To you, dear friends, I owe all that I have, all that I am.
Lincoln's Farewell Address in Springfield by Abraham Lincoln February 11, 1861

 He got everything he wanted, but had to give up so much.

Sometimes, happiness and sadness, arrive at the same time.

9 comments:

Cyn said...

I get that this is a big deal for you, but I truly don't think that it has to be a big deal for ATA. In fact if it really was a big deal, she could say she was born in CA and most of the time it wouldn't matter if it was true. Although it makes a pretty cool story to say I was born in xx, but have lived in CA since I was x days old. Everyone will think her parents were crazy for moving when she was only a teeny, tiny infant.
As for the bank question, they don't really care what state you choose. They just want it to be something you remember.
The only time I can think of that it will really matter is for official paperwork and by the time that she is old enough to need to put the correct state herself, you can easily have had a chat with her about how you believe she's 'technically' a Californian although she was delivered in XX. I don't really think it would be one of those issues that she would feel lied to and deceived, but maybe I'm wrong.
It is interesting how different people feel about their 'roots'. My family has been in CA since at least the Great Depression and I don't really have any sort of native Californian pride or ego. I can't imagine living in most of the states, but it has to do with cold rather than a love for CA.
The twins are almost 4 and I don't think they've once asked about where they were born. Just a thought.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

I don't see this as a youthful issue. It is one that creeps up on you as you get older. Probably, starting in Junior High with US History and your families role in it.

You must be self-aware before you care.

Cyn said...

But her families role will still be exactly the same regardless of her being born in some other state. Her family has still been in CA for years!
I still don't think it will be as bad as you think.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

In my family she will be treated as a second class citizen for life.

It will be "loser, where were you born" taunts from day one. In fact, it's already happening.

It's kind of like - welcome to the family - your an outsider.

You can ask Christy how much grief I give her kids about being from Northern California.

You got to love - tough love.

Cyn said...

Eh, tough love-shmuff love.
ATA is going to be so well loved and spoiled that she'll grow to love being the only member of the family not born in CA. I can hear her now, "If only you weren't born in CA, Grammy would've loved you more."

She'll be fine!

(and I'm not so sure I ever want to meet your family :) )

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

Christy just informed me that I am the only one in my family that talks like that and that I need to back off.

Everyone else is simply excited that the baby is coming.

I am the only weirdo in the family that has this issue.That my Mom was born in Oklahoma.

See - it's true that we all need someone guiding us back to sanity - every once in awhile.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

So you think that she will fit right in with the rest of us.

The little bully.

Of course she will be able to handle herself. Nobody else is going to do it for her.

That's what tough love is all about. Making her be able to stand up on her own two feet.

Cyn said...

I can not wait to watch you MELT!!!

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

Unfortunatly for you. If I melt, there will be no posts about it.

Witnesses will not be allowed.